Post by jumpshooter on Nov 17, 2024 14:47:49 GMT -5
Gallows humor. Satire. One man’s attempt to make sense of the election outcome. To be filed under Wishful Thinking.
Mark my words. Here’s what’s about to go down. We’ll all be witnesses.
Tuesday morning, Dec 3:
A press conference is staged in the rotunda of the US Capitol. Stepping up to a podium is the Deputy Attorney General, Lisa Monaco, who greets everyone with a simple good morning and the explanation that she is here in place of AG Merrick Garland, currently indisposed on account of illness, something to do with his gut not working. The Deputy AG is here to issue a statement.
Numerous anomalies were found in the days leading up to and after the 2024 election, she says. Hundreds of bomb threats were called into Democratic leaning precincts. Social media channels were awash in Russian and Chinese disinformation, and billions of dark money dollars were traced flooding into GOP coffers. More troubling yet, candidate Donald Trump was recorded encouraging Bibi Netanyahu to keep fighting in Gaza, as any ceasefire would make Joe Biden look like a peacemaker. It’s much too late for that, Monaco says Netanyahu replied, at which point both men guffawed loudly. This phone call, Monaco then adds, was a clear violation of the Logan Act and will be charged as an act of treason.
A loud roar was heard, over which Deputy AG Monaco says clearly, “No more October surprises. We learned that lesson in 1980 with Ronald Reagan and the US Embassy hostages.”
Returning to this election, Monaco will say, the United States government now has conclusive evidence of tampering with the computer code used in US voting machines. More gasps from the assembled media, after which Monaco will explain that hundreds of thousands of votes received in early voting in September and October and on election day itself were found to have been switched from candidate Harris to convicted felon Trump. This vote tampering, she says, has been linked to software code developed and disseminated by associates of the doughy South African Elon Musk. The process of flipping the votes will be explained in great detail later by the Director of Cybersecurity Jen Easterly. Director Easterly will be joined by the supervisors of elections of forty-eight states, with only Texas and Florida abstaining.
The Deputy AG will conclude her remarks with a warning that Donald Trump presents a “clear and present danger” to all Americans. The ominous phrase will be repeated by each speaker who follows Monaco to the podium, including the Director of National Intelligence, who informs those present that Tulsi Gabbard is now confirmed as a Syrian operative, the Secretary of Energy, who simply holds up a photo of Chris Wright and says “Frack me now,” and the Secretary of Defense, who speaks at length about Pete Hegseth’s ties to white nationalism and the threat he poses with an ax in his hand. “It’s on YouTube,” he adds.
Mitch McConnell will then emerge from behind a phalanx of senators and ascend the dais with an assist from two johns, Barrasso and Thune. McConnell will drawl an apology for not having defused the threat posed by the twice-impeached felon Donald Trump four years ago, before warning the crowd that AG nominee Gaetz is yet one more threat to every American who believes in the rule of law. After a long pause during which the Senate minority leader stares stonily into the distance, McConnell will add that it was left to the Senate to say something because House Speaker Johnson and his fellow House Republicans are total derelicts. Derelict in performing their duties, Thune leans in to clarify, before McConnell adds that there is also that undisclosed “secret” felon Trump and Speaker Johnson shared in the weeks leading up to the election.
Next man up is the charismatic charmer Alejandro Mayorkas. Homeland Security’s top man says he has just two words to offer. “Kristi Noem,” he spits, mimicking the recoil of a shotgun. Just then loud murmurs are heard from among the assembled journalists as a silver object is seen being passed from one hand to the next. Over a shoulder I glimpse a dog tag etched with the name “Cricket” below the engraving of a wirehaired pointer.
The biggest jolt comes next. President Joe Biden suddenly appears in a wheelchair that gets hoisted onto the dais by his Secret Service detail. After rising to his feet with the help of a cane, Biden leans into the microphone as the room goes suddenly quiet. “I’ve stared down notorious bullies before,” Biden says in his trademark whisper. “And compared to Corn Pop, Donald Trump is a certified wussy.” Some rueful chuckles follow before Biden continues. “So to everyone wondering, I’m here to announce that with the power vested in me by the Supreme Court, the 2024 election results are declared null and void.”
Pandemonium follows for the next few moments, before Biden resumes speaking. “It’s no joke,” he says. “US authorities have determined that Donald Trump presents a clear and present danger not just to American democracy and the American people, but to the entire free world. My cyber chief Jen Easterly will brief you on the full extent of the 2024 election shenanigans, while special counsel Jack Smith’s 2020 election tampering report will be released forthwith.” Peering behind him to seek confirmation, Biden asks, “That’s a fact, Jack, ain’t it?”
Pivoting back toward the crowd, Biden says, “I can also report that Tony Stark wannabe Elon Musk is now on a plane bound for Guantanamo, and I do mean bound, while Judge Aileen Cannon has been set adrift in a small boat on a large ocean. We’ve tasked her with finding the Bermuda Triangle.” It looks like Biden winks here, before he adds, “Much like Judge Cannon in her rulings, we’re in no hurry.”
“Speaking of judges,” Biden continues, “today I’m announcing an executive order to expand the Supreme Court from nine to thirteen justices and have defrocked sitting justices Thomas, Alito, Roberts, Gorsuch, and Kavanaugh. Naked and afraid, these five jackanapes can now be found in a holding pen outside at the top of the Capitol steps, next to full bins of fresh fruit and tomatoes. As smart as a whip, like always, Jill informs me that tomatoes are a fruit too.”
After winking for sure this time, Biden adds, “You’ll also find an unlimited supply of farm-fresh eggs. And don’t worry about the cost. I’m buying.”
Raising his voice while shaking his cane, Biden will conclude: “There’s a lesson here for all of us. Look, we know that Republicans have no principles, but it’s time for Democrats to grow a spine. Remember what the great Ben Franklin told us. This is your republic, he said, if you can keep it. So let’s keep it!”
Biden will speak these last words so loudly that I can’t help but wake up.
TL;DR - I have a dream in which America comes to its senses.
Mark my words. Here’s what’s about to go down. We’ll all be witnesses.
Tuesday morning, Dec 3:
A press conference is staged in the rotunda of the US Capitol. Stepping up to a podium is the Deputy Attorney General, Lisa Monaco, who greets everyone with a simple good morning and the explanation that she is here in place of AG Merrick Garland, currently indisposed on account of illness, something to do with his gut not working. The Deputy AG is here to issue a statement.
Numerous anomalies were found in the days leading up to and after the 2024 election, she says. Hundreds of bomb threats were called into Democratic leaning precincts. Social media channels were awash in Russian and Chinese disinformation, and billions of dark money dollars were traced flooding into GOP coffers. More troubling yet, candidate Donald Trump was recorded encouraging Bibi Netanyahu to keep fighting in Gaza, as any ceasefire would make Joe Biden look like a peacemaker. It’s much too late for that, Monaco says Netanyahu replied, at which point both men guffawed loudly. This phone call, Monaco then adds, was a clear violation of the Logan Act and will be charged as an act of treason.
A loud roar was heard, over which Deputy AG Monaco says clearly, “No more October surprises. We learned that lesson in 1980 with Ronald Reagan and the US Embassy hostages.”
Returning to this election, Monaco will say, the United States government now has conclusive evidence of tampering with the computer code used in US voting machines. More gasps from the assembled media, after which Monaco will explain that hundreds of thousands of votes received in early voting in September and October and on election day itself were found to have been switched from candidate Harris to convicted felon Trump. This vote tampering, she says, has been linked to software code developed and disseminated by associates of the doughy South African Elon Musk. The process of flipping the votes will be explained in great detail later by the Director of Cybersecurity Jen Easterly. Director Easterly will be joined by the supervisors of elections of forty-eight states, with only Texas and Florida abstaining.
The Deputy AG will conclude her remarks with a warning that Donald Trump presents a “clear and present danger” to all Americans. The ominous phrase will be repeated by each speaker who follows Monaco to the podium, including the Director of National Intelligence, who informs those present that Tulsi Gabbard is now confirmed as a Syrian operative, the Secretary of Energy, who simply holds up a photo of Chris Wright and says “Frack me now,” and the Secretary of Defense, who speaks at length about Pete Hegseth’s ties to white nationalism and the threat he poses with an ax in his hand. “It’s on YouTube,” he adds.
Mitch McConnell will then emerge from behind a phalanx of senators and ascend the dais with an assist from two johns, Barrasso and Thune. McConnell will drawl an apology for not having defused the threat posed by the twice-impeached felon Donald Trump four years ago, before warning the crowd that AG nominee Gaetz is yet one more threat to every American who believes in the rule of law. After a long pause during which the Senate minority leader stares stonily into the distance, McConnell will add that it was left to the Senate to say something because House Speaker Johnson and his fellow House Republicans are total derelicts. Derelict in performing their duties, Thune leans in to clarify, before McConnell adds that there is also that undisclosed “secret” felon Trump and Speaker Johnson shared in the weeks leading up to the election.
Next man up is the charismatic charmer Alejandro Mayorkas. Homeland Security’s top man says he has just two words to offer. “Kristi Noem,” he spits, mimicking the recoil of a shotgun. Just then loud murmurs are heard from among the assembled journalists as a silver object is seen being passed from one hand to the next. Over a shoulder I glimpse a dog tag etched with the name “Cricket” below the engraving of a wirehaired pointer.
The biggest jolt comes next. President Joe Biden suddenly appears in a wheelchair that gets hoisted onto the dais by his Secret Service detail. After rising to his feet with the help of a cane, Biden leans into the microphone as the room goes suddenly quiet. “I’ve stared down notorious bullies before,” Biden says in his trademark whisper. “And compared to Corn Pop, Donald Trump is a certified wussy.” Some rueful chuckles follow before Biden continues. “So to everyone wondering, I’m here to announce that with the power vested in me by the Supreme Court, the 2024 election results are declared null and void.”
Pandemonium follows for the next few moments, before Biden resumes speaking. “It’s no joke,” he says. “US authorities have determined that Donald Trump presents a clear and present danger not just to American democracy and the American people, but to the entire free world. My cyber chief Jen Easterly will brief you on the full extent of the 2024 election shenanigans, while special counsel Jack Smith’s 2020 election tampering report will be released forthwith.” Peering behind him to seek confirmation, Biden asks, “That’s a fact, Jack, ain’t it?”
Pivoting back toward the crowd, Biden says, “I can also report that Tony Stark wannabe Elon Musk is now on a plane bound for Guantanamo, and I do mean bound, while Judge Aileen Cannon has been set adrift in a small boat on a large ocean. We’ve tasked her with finding the Bermuda Triangle.” It looks like Biden winks here, before he adds, “Much like Judge Cannon in her rulings, we’re in no hurry.”
“Speaking of judges,” Biden continues, “today I’m announcing an executive order to expand the Supreme Court from nine to thirteen justices and have defrocked sitting justices Thomas, Alito, Roberts, Gorsuch, and Kavanaugh. Naked and afraid, these five jackanapes can now be found in a holding pen outside at the top of the Capitol steps, next to full bins of fresh fruit and tomatoes. As smart as a whip, like always, Jill informs me that tomatoes are a fruit too.”
After winking for sure this time, Biden adds, “You’ll also find an unlimited supply of farm-fresh eggs. And don’t worry about the cost. I’m buying.”
Raising his voice while shaking his cane, Biden will conclude: “There’s a lesson here for all of us. Look, we know that Republicans have no principles, but it’s time for Democrats to grow a spine. Remember what the great Ben Franklin told us. This is your republic, he said, if you can keep it. So let’s keep it!”
Biden will speak these last words so loudly that I can’t help but wake up.
TL;DR - I have a dream in which America comes to its senses.
